Ponderings....on Reconciliations

I wondered if he was OK.
I wondered if he had any interest in ever doing-over our do-over’d friendship of over 18 years.
I pondered mailing him. Snail mail takes too long (for a reply). Phones are too “in your face”. Dropping in was out of the question. Email seemed a good way to hit a button and know that you were screwed in a nanosecond.

I pondered what to write and in what manner.
I pondered whether or not to hit SEND
I did.
I threw caution to the wind and it made me want to throw up a little in my mouth.

I waited.
I went to the gym to forget about what I just did by doing a tortuous calorie (ass)-burning workout. But all I wanted was a reply…and an entire chocolate cake.

I wondered if now was a good time to start smoking

Well, Sh#% fire and save matches…I got a reply.
Stunning. Agonizing. Awkward. Painful. Tense. Overdue. Heartfelt. Moving. Tangible. Familiar. Comfortable. Friend.

Then I sat there and wondered again.
Wondered if he was as shocked as I was. Wondering why his words seemed so empty as a life gone dark and jaded. Wondering how he mustered the strength. Wondering how we’ve come so far and be like this. Wondering how after all these years our cages still get rattled. Wondering if we will be OK.
Wondering if he’s still pacing back and forth in his apartment, cursing at me thru the computer, saying, “why now?!” Wondering if he’s holding a conversation to me (while still pacing) that he will never type or send to me.
So, I sit here wondering what the next thing to wonder about will be.
“From wonder into wonder existence opens” Lao Tzu